


The World She Left Behind

by SalForPres



Category: Fallout 3, Fallout 4, Fallout New Vegas
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Nuka World aftermath, Raiders, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, maybe a little angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 02:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14607741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalForPres/pseuds/SalForPres
Summary: Farren has done a lot to help the Commonwealth, but she doesn't see that she has done more good than bad. After being berated by Preston Garvey for what she did to survive in Nuka World (aka, she had to become a raider in order to not be killed by said raiders, but Garvey won't listen to her reason), she decides that it was one too many mistakes.If she isn't around anymore to make mistakes, maybe no one else will get hurt. Maybe when she's dead, she will see her husband and son again.This probably wont make sense to anyone. It isn't edited. It isn't beta read. I whipped it up in like two hours. Farren, Bones, Angeline, Irenie, and Charlize are my characters. Sorry for the confusion.I wrote this in honor of a friend of mine who committed suicide yesterday. She will be missed.





	The World She Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emily Horton](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Emily+Horton).



Who would have thought? The mighty General, reduced to a coward in a fancy coat. 

She’s faced Raiders, Feral Ghouls, Super-Mutants, even the entire Institute, and this is what makes her stop? Suddenly, all of her life accomplishments seem small in comparison to   
what she is facing right now. What is the point of living if no one will even miss her? No one will remember her in a few years… It is pointless. 

Sometimes, Farren comes up here to admire the view. Boston has been and always will be a beautiful city. And sometimes, because she is a sentimental person, she tries her hardest to find a view like the one from summer of 2073. Of course, nothing will ever beat that. Nate and her were at the top of a mountain, looking down at the little town they stayed at below. Nothing will ever compare to that moment. The two of them, on top of the world, oblivious of the years to come.

So, of course she will never find a view like that again, but this was as close as she could find. Up on top of the Mass Fusion building, she can see everything. The sun is barely starting to rise over the horizon, the world is beginning to wake, and Boston is still completely beautiful in its own way. Somehow, despite all of the death and decay, the world still shines with hidden life. It is messed up and broken, but Farren still sees the memory of what she left behind. It may still become what it once was. But Farren? She will never be the same again.

Sometimes, she comes up here to admire the view. Sometimes, she wonders if she will never come back down. The way out is in her hands. A bullet to the brain? Quick, virtually painless. Then, maybe, she can go back. Leave this world behind as well.

It would be better if she just did it. No one would have to deal with her bleeding heart, her bullshit, her… lies. Preston Garvey would certainly be happy to know that she is gone. He had more or less said as much the last time she spoke with him. He was right… She is a disgrace. She has no right to ever go back. After what she’s done, Sanctuary will never welcome her as a friend.

Of course, her hands are shaking. Even now, two years after waking, she still feels fear. She had hoped that after all she had gone through, everything would be numb. But she still can taste the blood on her lip from when she had bit it when that gunshot rang clear through her locked cryostasis pod. The coppery taste still lingers. The ice is still crawling its way up her arms. And she still feels the fear. It will never go away. No! It will go away. It will go away if she just does it already! 

MacCready wouldn’t have to follow her around anymore. He never did like her, did he? All those fake smiles to keep her fooled. She can see it now. He was always waiting for a chance to leave her. And she can’t say she blames him. She should have paid him more…

All that Farren had before the war is meaningless. That car is just a pile of rust. The house is a skeleton on a crumbled foundation. Her husband and son? Gone. She should have known it was only a matter of time before they were ripped from her hands. When she is gone, they will become nothing more than whispers in the wind. There will be no one else to remember them, to outlive them, to disgrace them.

Dogmeat might not understand why she doesn’t show up to feed him treats anymore, but at least she wouldn’t be endangering him on her adventures across the Commonwealth. He was always such a good dog. He never deserved this life either.

As Farren watches the sun rise above the world, there are people who live on. They will live on and never know that she was here. They will never know that she had tried to make a difference but ultimately made choices that will see the world burn around her. They will never know that the world is a better place without her in it.

Now, Nick Valentine is one person she isn’t sure that will miss her or not. He had been just as unsure of himself as she had, and it took all of her time to try and convince him that he is just as human as the rest of them. He had ended up becoming her best friend through it all. And for once, Farren knows that their friendship was never just an illusion. She wishes he had never had the misfortune to meet her, but at the same time, she is glad she was able to help him see his importance.

All that she has done, from living her white picket fence life to this very moment, it has been a lie. She has never belonged anywhere. Nate never deserved what happened to him. Preston should never have trusted her. Shaun… It would have been better if he had never been born than to have her as a mother.

Porter was right. She isn’t a good woman. She doesn’t deserve to live.

She doesn’t deserve the friends she betrayed.

She doesn’t even deserve to die painlessly. 

Nate had died at the hands of someone very corrupt. Logically, Farren knows that his death was not her fault. But if she had carried Shaun into that vault… If she had been the one to die at the hands of Kellogg, maybe Nate would have been strong enough to live on without messing up everything.

So here on this building, Farren sits, watching the world live on without her intervention. It seems almost cruel, to show her such beauty as she works up the nerve to end it all. Too cruel.

She doesn’t deserve this second chance.

She doesn’t belong here.

She should just die.

One bullet.

Her hands are shaking, but the barrel finds its way up to her skull anyway. It wont be long now…

A gunshot fires through the air, but it isn’t Farren’s gun. The gun she had in her hand was now falling down hundreds of feet to the ground below the tower. She is on her feet before she knows it and is facing the figure that was watching from behind. Farren had been lost in her own thoughts long enough for Angeline to sneak her way up unnoticed. Damn that girl.

“You really think that it’s going to be that easy?” The blondie had her arms crossed, and she was looking at Farren with an unnatural disapproving look on her face. Farren had never seen her like this. It was somewhat terrifying.

“Angeline, how did you find me?”

“It’s my job to follow people. I’m a natural born sneak, remember? This isn’t the first time you’ve done this.” Angeline grabbed Farren’s arm and dragged her away from the edge, now concerned that the other woman might try to jump now that she had lost her gun.

“And it will be the last, you hear me?” Farren looked over to where Nick Valentine was walking out of the Elevator. “You’ve done so much for me. I am not letting you go down without a fight.”

“Nick—”

“Save it. You owe me this chance to speak.” Farren shut her mouth and averted her eyes. Tears had begun to spring at the corners. “Now I don’t know what you’ve been doing these last few months, but I know you have your reasons. You always do. Preston may be angry right now, but I promise you, he still cares about you.” Farren felt her heart clench at the thought. Preston was pretty clear on how he felt about her. “I’ve told you this once, and I’ll say it again. Chin up. The night just got darker, but it won’t last forever.”

A holotape was passed her way, and Farren caught it with one hand. She didn’t have to pop it in her Pip-Boy to know which one it was. 

“Go on, play it.” A new voice piped up. It was darling Charlize. She had somehow snuck up here as well.

In fact, all of her friends were up on the tower now. They had begun to file out of the doorway while Nick had been talking. MacCready leading Dogmeat, Danse, Codsworth, Preston. Hell, even Hancock was here. Bones and Irenie had taken up the rear. Farren felt her heart grow at the sight. All of them had come here to make sure she didn’t end it all. 

A simple nod and she pressed play.

“Hi honey!” It was the same as the last hundred times she played it. Nate and Shaun, her two boys.

“I love you… I miss you.”

And for that one moment, Farren didn’t want to stop. It wasn’t the end. It never has to be the end.

**Author's Note:**

> Rest in peace, Emily. We will miss you. If you had known that suicide wasn't the only way, maybe you'd still be here.


End file.
